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Sean of the South

A blog by Sean Dietrich in Sunday Columns

  • Entries

    13

  • Comments

    8

  • Views

    3,044

About this column

Stories about people and life in the South and beyond.

Entries in this blog

Sean Of The South

Scene From An American Bar

A crowded restaurant-slash-bar. There is a band in the corner, playing music loud enough to threaten dental work. An older man is on the bench beside me, waiting. The hostess tells us it will be a 40-minute wait for a table. Then she hands us both beepers. The older man is quiet. Watching the frenetic insanity of modern life move about. The patrons are mostly young. It’s a bar. So people are happy. They’re doing what happy people from their generation do. They take selfies for no apparent reason
Sean Of The South

New Year's Eve In The Self-Checkout Line

The Old Year is perishing into oblivion. The New Year is crowning, with new blessings to bestow. And I am standing in a self-checkout lane listening to a computer tell me there is an unknown item in the bagging area. There is no cashier around to assist me. At least I THINK you call them “cashiers.” Although they don’t handle much cash anymore. Yesterday, for example, in a big-name retail store, my cashier paged his manager for help because he didn’t know how to make correct change when I asked
Sean Of The South

After Fifteen Years...

When I first started writing, nearly 15 years ago, things were different. First off, newspapers were still around, doing their thing. My wife still clipped newspaper coupons. Peanuts, Dilbert, Garfield were alive and well. The Sunday newspaper was still slightly bigger than your average Waffle House. Also, Americans were reading books. Fifteen years ago, 79 percent of us read an average of 16 books per year. Being a writer still meant something to many Americans. Some of us actually aspired to b
Sean Of The South

The Best Christmas Movies

It’s hard to choose my favorite Christmas movie. Each time I try to pick one, I’m afraid I’ll shoot my eye out. There are, of course, obligatory holiday movies which bring to mind one’s parents and grandparents. A period in post-war national history which featured Buicks Roadmasters, Hula Hoops, and pineapple upside down cakes made almost completely of mayonnaise. This era features movies such as “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947); “A Christmas Carol” (1951); and “White Christmas” (1954). Those are
Sean Of The South

America 100 Years Ago

One hundred years ago, America is unrecognizable from its modern-day counterpart. Booze is illegal. Movies are silent. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s new book is a smash hit. Baseball is everything. Major League baseball is still young, only in its 28th season. Games are held in the daytime, $0.50 per ticket. Babe Ruth sucks this year. Fans wear Sunday clothes to the ballpark. Laundry is done by hand. Indoor plumbing is a thing, but only for rich folks. Electricity is becoming common, but only in big cit
Sean Of The South

The Christmas Tree Lot

We arrived at the Christmas tree lot after dark. My wife and I walked the long aisles of pinery, scrutinizing each tree as though it were asking for our kid’s hand in marriage. Most trees were standing erect, like soldiers undergoing inspection. Others were slumping like they were tired of playing the game. I noticed a large family also looking at trees. They were in our aisle. Their oldest son was extremely tall. Very skinny. But very young. Maybe 15 years old, towering over all other customers
Sean Of The South

"You Can't Do That No More"

“You can’t say that word anymore,” snapped the female cashier. She was reprimanding an older man customer in the supermarket. The cashier was very matter-of-fact, glaring at the elderly man from across the cash register like he’d just drop-kicked a kitten. Meantime, a teenage girl was bagging his groceries, eyes averted downward. “Wait,” the man replied. “I can’t say WHAT anymore? What’d I say?” The cashier nodded to the teenage employee. “You called her ‘sweetheart.’ You can’t say that. It’s di
Sean Of The South

Please Enjoy This Ad

Ads. Ads everywhere. Look at your phone. Ads. Turn on a television. Ads. Open a laptop. Ads. Scroll social media to make sure cherished friends and loved ones are still alive and actively posting angry political memes. Ads. Get in your vehicle, turn on the radio. Ads. Stop at a gas station; a video screen is embedded in your gas pump. Ads. If you ask me, the TV commercials are the worst. The ordinary American sees roughly 200 TV commercials per day. Most of these commercials are advertising medi
Sean Of The South

Letter To Young Me

Dear Young Me, I am sending this letter back in time. I hope you get it. Tell everyone I said hello. Brush your teeth. The main reason I’m writing is because the world is going to go nuts someday. And I mean totally, flipping nuts. I can’t even describe the level of nuttiness you’re about to experience. But believe me, someday you will wake up and the current state of the world, and all its wacky human inhabitants will suddenly seem so screwed-up, you will feel like a giraffe. This will be espec
Sean Of The South

A Dumb Question

I have an important question. How would you spend your best day ever? This might sound like a dumb question. But if you have time, take a brief break from doom scrolling and think about your best day ever (BDE). What would you do on this particular day? Where would you go? What would you wear? And most importantly, what would you eat? Don’t laugh. Food is sacred. Is there a gift more precious than the taste of real, wholesome food? Is there any joy more humanly gratifying than unrefined flavors
Sean Of The South

The Big Bang Of Bristol

There is a double yellow line running down the middle of State Street, in Bristol. The line separates Tennessee from Virginia. Passersby stand with one foot in each state and get their pictures made. People who do this look comical and downright ridiculous. We pulled over so I could do this. Namely, because this is Bristol. And American music still lives in Bristol. The rest of the world has gone techno. Even country music has succumbed to the wiles of the “scrolling generation.” But in Bristol,
Sean of the South

What I Wish

You know what I wish? I wish I could hug everyone in the world. I think I’d start by hugging the young waitress in the restaurant where I had lunch. Earlier that day, she was cussed out by an angry customer. He screamed at her. Called her a bad name. “My job is getting so much harder lately,” she admitted. “It seems like people are getting meaner in today’s world.” Next, I’d hug the supermarket cashier, who seemed sad as I was checking out. Who didn’t think I could tell that her mascara was runn
Sean Of The South

Eating Chinese Food With Jamie

My wife and I are eating at a Chinese restaurant. We’ve been driving for hours through South Carolina. We pulled over to refuel and address pressing bladder issues. And we found this place. The waitress asked what we wanted. We ordered a seaweed salad. This particular salad was colored Disney-World green and tasted like eating bait. My wife took a bite and said, “Remember when we first got married?” “I do,” I said. “Remember when we used to get takeout from that Chinese place over by the Kmart?”

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